A Fire Inside

Love Fool

2007-12-22T05:19:00.001+08:00

I don't deserve this shit... honestly i don't... call it karma... but this is really too much... i don't deserve it!

I've made a choice... i thought about it a few times before i made it... maybe i didn't think long enough... I've made the right choice... or did i?

I know i made the right choice... but i know i'll hate myself and regret every single day for making that decision. i hate myself already. I guess its for the best... to you that is... thats all that matters to me...

i need a shrink... seriously... i hate to admit it.... i'm having depression...

Love is like a butterfly... hold it too tight it'll get crushed... hold it too loose and it'll fly away...

i can't sleep... i love you... and i'll miss you... i forced myself to let you fly away. I'm sorry... wished you'll fly back... hope you'll be happy without my crap...

24

2007-12-19T03:53:00.000+08:00

24hrs to decide... or shld i say... less than 24... a part of me says no... but a part says just go for it... go and kick some ass... but is it worth the effort?

its sad to know your feeling lousy... and its almost ur day.... i wanna make you happy... but i cant even tell whats happiness anymore. it pains me even more to see ya in this state.

i'm a mess... i'm a wreck... i have to decide... n change my simple plan... if i decide to...

i have a dream... and a hope.... and i dont wanna stop believing... but there comes a time where what you want isnt gonna matter... wats the point...

call me nemo... cause im no one.

2007-12-18T00:35:00.000+08:00

today.. i cleaned my room... ok... at least my table only... oh well... gt nothimg betta to do... haha... oh well gonna go get drunk again... update later...

drunk again.

2007-12-17T03:36:00.000+08:00

I'm drunk agian... 3 nights in a row... haha... chelsea lost to arsenal... sad.... but thats how it is... everything is fucked and screwed up.... oh welll....

drink drank drunk

2007-12-16T00:23:00.001+08:00

2 nights... 2 nights drunk... i hate myself... hate it... scrubs rocks... season 6 alr... hahaha... i just love it when at the end of the episode it says to be continued... caused i feel its very human... caused its a not a happy ending... i just feel that i could relate to every single character in the show... im the perfect inperfect person on erath and i just wish to be fucking dead... looks like tmr i'll get drunk again... haha

Lets Get Fucked Up and Die!

2007-12-15T02:36:00.000+08:00

its over... i guess... sometimes i wish life was like Scrubs... you make a mistake... you do something about it... and u learn your lesson and ends in a happy ending... life has no happy endings i guess... even when you die... people don't celebrate your death... there's no such thing as a happy ending! i guess tmr is another day to realise i woken up in a fucked up world.

so lets all sing my favourite anthem... sang by motion city soundtrack.... L.G. FUAD!!!!

Let's get fucked up and die.
I am speaking figuratively of course.
Like the last time that I committed suicide.
"Social suicide."

Yeah, so I'm already dead,
On the inside but I can still pretend.
With my memories and photographs I have learned to love the lie.

I want to know what its like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent.
I want to know how it feels to be useful and pertinent and have common sense,yeah.
Let me in, let me into the club 'cause I want to belong,
And I need to get strong.
And if memory serves I'm addicted to words.
And they're useless...in this department.

Let's get fucked up and die.
I'm riding hard on the last legs of every lie.
And the BMX bike of my life is about to explode.
I'm about to explode.

I'm a mess I'm a wreck.
I am perfect and I have learned to accept,
All my problems and shortcomings 'cause I'm so visceral, yet deeply inept.

I want to thank you for being a part of my.
"Forget me nots and marigolds and other things that don't get old."
Is it legal to do this?
I surely don't know.
It's the only way I have learned to express myself,
Through other peoples descriptions of life.
I'm afraid, I'm alone and entirely useless...in this department.

Let's get fucked up and die.
For the last time with feelings we'll try not to smile.
As we cover our heads and drink heavily into the nights that still shock and surprise.

I believe that I can overcome this and beat everything in the end.
But I choose to abuse for the time being.
Maybe I'll win. But for now I've decided to die.

Sister soldier you've been such a positive influence on my mental frame.
If I could ever repay you I would but I'm hard up for cash and my memory lacks
Initiative. Goddamn the liquor store's closed we were so close to scoring.
It hurts, it destroys 'til it kills. I am tired and hungry and totally useless...
In this department.

Fate?

2007-12-14T14:30:00.000+08:00

The odds are against me... should i go ahead as i planned or should i just not do anything? i pretty much watch Scrubs every single day... i'm at season 5 now.. haha.. i really got no life man... oh well... was hanging out with paul last night to discuss some issues... was such a big help... thanks alot man...

can fate be changed? the meaning of fate is that it is inevitably predetermined. i believe fate can be changed. its the choices in life you make that leads you in your path. i would picture a straight road and at everytime you need to decide something about life it would be a two road split. 1 leads you to life fulfillment the other regret.

sometimes i wonder why am i feeling so crappy.. feeling so miserable... feeling so fucked up... i try to change my fate... but my fate is not in my hands to change... i've done all i can... i have nothing else but to wait and see...

this really sucks big time.

screw up

2007-12-11T22:26:00.000+08:00

Just when everything was going to go well... something have to always pop up and screw everything up... i'm sucha screw up.

i'm feeling so damn sick... i'm sick.

11 ways.

2007-12-10T02:43:00.000+08:00

Ouch... that kinda hurt... alot....

11 ways on how to react in this situation:

1. shout vulgarities out loud.
2. shoot myself with a gun.
3. kill someone.
4. punch the wall.
5.kick the wall.
6. cry.
7. jump out of the window.
8. pretend nothing really happened.
9. calm down and think logically.
10. fuck it and just keep it in the heart.
11. all of the above.

Guess which 1 i chose.

a part or apart?

2007-12-08T05:15:00.000+08:00

i feel relieved... i had no regrets in whatever i had said... i just feel that if i died... at least you know what's happening in my head...

But... where do i fit in your life? am i going to be part of your life? or are we gonna just drift apart after its all been said and done?

I'm afraid...

fucked

2007-12-07T03:40:00.000+08:00

What if paul was right? the possibility of a third person's point of view is 99% accurate.... i feel so fucking down.... fucked up...

UnMasked

2007-12-06T00:05:00.000+08:00

Everyone puts up a false front to others... its true... everyone. its like a mask... covering up whats beneath... be it good or bad... i guess its cause we're afraid to show people what we truely are. partly due to being insecure but the main thing is that we do not want to show who and what we truely are.

I wear a mask everyday and i'm not afraid to admit it! i'm broken inside... and my mask helps me to get by the days.

I'm badly broken inside... and hope to be repaired someday.

Missing Something Inside.

2007-12-05T00:10:00.000+08:00

I feel soulless.... like i'm striped of me... life is so stagnant... i just do whatever i have to do and pass the day.... sometimes i have nothing to do... and just stare at my computer screen... i guess in the next few weeks... i'll be staring at a computer screen... cursing and swearing... oh well... i guess it occupies my time... and i don't really have to think much about my life...

i feel empty... like i'm missing something inside... i kept thinking of the past... you were right... i do not know how to take care of myself...

I Lost My Fire.

qns.

2007-12-03T20:32:00.000+08:00

am i a part of your life? does my existence affect your life? do you know that i exist? i guess what kang said is true... i'm thinking so much of her... does she even think of me?

I Passed Away.

2007-12-01T00:15:00.000+08:00

if a 10 word sentence where to describe how i feel right now.... 672354 of the words would be a vulgarity. as of this day, 1st december 2007, consider me as good as dead.

My Sacrifice

2007-11-30T00:42:00.000+08:00

I'm willing to sacrifice my life for you... u're willing to sacrifice ur last toe for me. that says alot. its like i just sold my soul to the devil... and you're just there watching me sell it away... i cant believe it... i really cant... i must me the most dumbass guy on earth! seriously... do u even care abt how i feel? i hope you do? am i asking too much? am i? im so low... so damn low...

Doesn't make sense.

2007-11-28T00:14:00.000+08:00

i kept thinking abt it.... its almost a week since the huge AA bomb dropped on me and i just kept thinking... ur online... i wanna talk... but im not... how the hell am i going to wait 3 fucking years when right now we're slowly drifting apart... doesnt make sense.... we're drifting apart.... and i just don't want to... if only i knew what to do... if only you knew... its eating me frm the inside... hope u know.

Update:

she talked to me. =) something smells fishy... its like she read my blog.

Radio

2007-11-26T03:45:00.000+08:00

I heard a familiar song on the radio while driving today... its been a really long time since i heard it... but its a song that might give an insight of what i've been feeling... mayb not the last chorus.

'It's not so bad... You're only the best i ever had....'

Class 95 was kinda cool today... playing music from the 80s... i'm a big fan of the 80's... so yea... i know that i often think too much so yea... 1 thing led to another and yea... i thought of you again... that song... our song... i still remember it...

(And) i was dying inside to hold you
I couldn't believe what i felt for you
Dying inside i was dying inside
But i couldn't bring myself to touch you

Retarded... but yea... don't judge me... i'm still human!

Thanks paul for the parking coupon...

How?

2007-11-25T04:01:00.000+08:00

Letting go is one thing... Living every single day knowing i had to let go is another... its not easy... sometimes i wish i could be selfish... 3days... feels like forever... 3 years? whats more than forever?

Memories

2007-11-24T03:16:00.000+08:00

helped out Kavin's AFP group today... was quite interesting... and later went down Nicole's AFP location to pick up the van... helping her group drive... so yea...

keeping myself as occupied as possible... at least its a divertion away from my problems...

but in a way... it kinda making things hard for me... coz i guess sooner or later i'll have to face up to reality. and driving down TPE alone ain't making things better...

For some strange reason... it has to be TPE... mayb coz we used to go JLK often... and it just brings back the good times...

was surperise Audi msged me to go drinking on Sunday... looks like i really need it... haha....

Save me

2007-11-22T03:44:00.000+08:00

Its Late... I'm awake again... I cant sleep... really... i cant... my head is filled with thoughts... loads of thoughts... my head wants to explode... i want to explode... i feel that im on the edge of going insane... i must keep myself sane... i think about you... and all the stuff we've been through... happy, sad, whatever... its too late... 3months too late... i its never too late... 3 years... i'll be waiting... 3 years... its only been 1 fucked up day... i still got many more days to come... many many more...

i think i'm lossing my sanity... i'm going crazy... seriously... even roy don't taste tt good anymore... roy not tasting good... im really losing it... i need help... before i do something stupid... i need help... theres nobody...

i'm not superman... i try to be... but i'm nowhere close.... i can't fight on... but i rather lose everything than not fighting... pride, dignity and everything i am.

I'm slowly dying inside. save me.

Qoute of My Day.

2007-11-21T21:17:00.001+08:00

To let true love remain unspoken is the quickest route to a heavy heart.

Ouch.

2007-11-19T20:24:00.000+08:00

Hahaha... i think my toe is kinda swallon... kicked a wall in frustration yesterday... oh well... its still hurts... so yea....

why

2007-11-18T04:40:00.000+08:00

Why didn't you call? why did you slip your phone back in?

Finally.

2007-11-17T03:38:00.001+08:00

Thank God shoot is finally over... damn bloody shag man... oh well... in the next couple of weeks i'll be chionging to school to start my edit. going to be rather busy.... mayb its in opportunity to forget some personal problems... maybe...

I feel so shit... so shit till im stuck in this hole and i just can't find a way to get out of it. driving 40km/hr on the TPE makes me think alot. i'm lost... its like having a street directory and not knowing where u are. u try to go straight to find a way out... but u end up at the same place. stupid... but somehow it happens.

Anyway... i just wanna endthis post with... To Stranger, although i ask not to reply... i just wanna know for the record...

Sorry.

Sorry.

2007-11-16T01:28:00.000+08:00

I'm Sorry. But Sorry is just a word... it doesn't make things better... it only makes it worse.

Another Late Night.

2007-11-08T05:28:00.000+08:00

Looks like another late night for me... just watched bowling for columbine... really like the whole documentary. it really makes you think how stupid the world is... haha... to me it was a very open sort of ending... trying to find an answer, which is just right smack in your face and refusing to believe the answer. Oh well... people just can't handle the truth.

Was doing the damn call sheets before watching bowling for columbine... i re-did it like 5 times because i was having trouble with damn excel!

Sleep is a waste of time! Agree?

Existence

2007-10-29T06:16:00.000+08:00

Do we really exist? Does this 'life' we talk about really exist or this is some kind of dream? Do you really exist? If so... are u existing for a reason? are you existing for a goal? or are you just gonna fade away and slowly cease to exist?

Japan Invades

2007-10-10T00:12:00.000+08:00

Mom came back from Japan not long ago. she didnt went Tokyo though... somewhere else... not sure... haha.. and guess what? she bought me the CDs i wanted...

Yoshiki's Eternal Melody II, X-Japan's Blue Blood, X-Japan's X Singles...

4 Hide with Spread Beaver Singles and Hide's Hide Best ~Psychommunity~

Yeah... these cds are damn rare man... HMV doesn't sell most of it. and even if they did... its damn expensive cause its an imported cd from japan.

The best thing is... my mom said in total it cost about 300bucks for the cds.

I just opened Yoshiki's Eternal Melody II and listening to it... seriously it rocks. He is really an awesome pianist and composer.

I guess i won't open the rest... wanna keep the rest for collection.

Darylism

2007-09-27T06:56:00.000+08:00

friends come and go. good friends stays by your side but eventually fades away at some point in time. best friends are people that you know that u can always fall back to at any point in time and you know they always got your back. the three types of friends you would encounter in life.

Apparently, i'm not really forunate enough to have that many good friends and best friends. in fact, i guess if i add both together i guess it makes about the number fingers i have(10 in case any idiots do not know).

I guess what i really want to say is thanks. thank you people for making my day. thank you people for having my back. really appreciate it. I guess these people really make life worth living for.

My red room... finally got rid of my old furnitures. Finally.

Yea... and i had to sleep like on the floor for a few days while waiting for my room to be painted and the arrival of my new furnitures.

New QUEEN size bed... so damn comfortable... and my new table. all my stuff are still in boxes... need to buy more furnitures.... room kinda still feels empty. Will update about it soon...

Had a nice slacking session with Andrew again... smoke like a chimney, crap like its free. But i guess thats life... having somebody to share it with.

A Chelsea Draw

2007-09-16T03:00:00.000+08:00

Man... what a dissappointing Game... was looking forward to it all day. Chelsea drew with Blackburn.

Chelsea kept attacking and Sheva almost found the net a couple of occassions. The closes was kalou 'goal'. It was a good goal, no1 was offside and everything was CLEAN. But the damn ref had to flag it offside. the replays showed that it was a goal! man... The question now is, 'should replay technology be implemented in a soccer game?' in my opinion, well it should. soccer has evoled over the centuries i mean what was a adrenaline rush sport is now a multi-million buisness and results cost people millions of dollars. The football association does not care because its not the money their losing... its the clubs. should the FA consider replay technology? well if definitely benefits many people and making Refs calling the right shots. things to ponder.

Blackburn player, Samba, was being strechered off the pitch with abt 8mins till 90mins. He risked it all for the sake of his club. A very brave man. hats off to him and hope nothing bad happens to him.

anyway... was talking to Kang... and he wanted to show me a tiger balm vid but accidentally gave me the wrong link.... haha... ITS NOT PORN!!... haha... right anyway... the vid was damn cool... check it out....

Dead Silence

2007-08-30T02:03:00.000+08:00

Went to watch Dead Silence with my friend Andrew just now. Cool Film, but I'm still a little confuse about the ending. alright, if there's anyone reading this.. feel free to give some feedback. I'll leave you guys with Dead Silence Trailer from the movie.

Vid of the Week

2007-08-30T02:01:00.000+08:00

Check Out The New Vid of the week. Herman Li from Dragon Force playing funky tunes. Pretty awesome.

Damn He's Good.